Pandemic Blues
At the moment, the world perplexes me
Before Covid-19 life was hard and confusing. Dealing with misogyny, racism, and homophobia was tough but I learned to live with it. I couldn’t have imagined adding another facet to the madness that is my reality. Atop the issues I dealt with before, now it is hard, confusing, and uncertain. I can’t get with the air of “business as usual” when it isn’t. Nothing is the same. Nothing will be the same again.
All the masked faces and fear-mongering have turned me into a wreck of sorts. I shun society as much as possible. Going outside is a chore. Since I work from home now, I rarely venture out unless to go grocery shopping, exercise, or take out the refuse. My daily routine of working out, work, and cooking has been life jackets.
I’m drifting. Like an ant on a balloon that is floating away. That’s the best way to describe me. Connections are tenuous and strained. Messages from friends, family, and followers are ignored until I can muster the courage to fake socialize. I find it hard to care and even harder pretending to. Being around people makes me sweaty. Why isn’t that person wearing a mask? Why are there so many people congregating? Ugh, why are there still Trump signs in people’s yards? Do people truly want to deny healthcare to those that are unvaccinated?
I’m searching for nostalgia. It’s the only thing that gets me through the now; dreaming of times perceived to be better. I’m sure they weren’t. I often think of 1999. I was a young girl of 9 years and couldn’t see beyond boybands, daydreaming, and hiding my budding breasts. I definitely couldn’t understand the weight of my father’s neglectfulness.
La vie etait plus simple.
I quit the job I’d held down the longest this time last year. I could no longer take the minutiae. Before Covid, I could deal with being a black sheep and the lack of upward mobility. The company I worked for is known for mistreating customers with unchecked thievery while also forcing out employees that deviate from its norms. I could live with being one of many extortionists by arming myself with a syrupy voice and empathetic vibe. Many people are leaving dead-end jobs and dubbing this time as the “great resignation”. Covid has ushered in a shift of thought. Why continue to work for companies that don’t care about your well-being, especially during times like these?
I voted for the first time this past November. I was elated and felt like a true American for the first time in my 30 years of being a black queer woman. The sleepy seemingly senile president has proven to be a callous embarrassment. What worries me most about his many idiotic policies are the vaccine mandates. Why possibly take away someone’s livelihood for not being a sheep? I am not anti-vaccine, I’m simply a wait-and-see type. Why jump to be a guinea pig for new tech? More importantly why attempt to turn the country against those that want autonomy over their bodies? If Covid was as deadly as Smallpox and as debilitating as Polio, and if the vaccines created were as effective as those made for the aforementioned diseases, no one would have to be coerced or forced to get the jab.
I can hear the sheep wildly bahhing.
I once prided myself on my adaptability but changes of the past couple of years have been so sudden and convoluted that it is hard to keep up which produces much anxiety within. I shun society as much as I can. I’m not alone. I see it in the actions of those around me. Everyone is so tense and on the fence about everything. Dems vs Republicans, vaccinated vs unvaccinated, masked vs unmasked. It’s all very polarizing and with this insane time of black vs white with no shades in between acceptable has come unbridled fear. It’s palpable and uncomfortable.
The pandemic has forced me to think outside the box and question what I want life to look like. It’s not about chasing accolades or money, but understanding that my self-worth is of utmost importance. It has taught me not to wait on the words of politicians which I never really did, but to follow my arrow wherever it points (I love Kacey Musgraves). Life will never go back to normal. Why would we want it to? It is time for some new shit.
Fuck the government, corporations, and anyone that doesn’t allow you to think and make choices for yourself.
